97.3% of all statistics are made up

There are three types of people in this world - those who add up and those who can't

Q. Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A. Probably....

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
A. Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule.

Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A. You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.

Q. Two cats sitting on a roof. Which one falls off first?
A. The one with the lowest µ (coefficient of friction)

Q. What do you call a teapot of boiling water on the top of Mt. Everest?
A. A high-pot-in-use

A Physicist, Engineer and a Mathematician...

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are given an identical problem: Prove that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime numbers. They proceed:
Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime - counterexample - claim is false.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Computer Scientist: 1 is a prime, 1 is a prime, 1 is a prime, 1 is a prime, ... Yes, they're all primes

When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land
A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there
An engineer will stand there and try to catch it

An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question:
"What is 2 + 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can prove an answer exists!".
Philosopher: "But what do you mean by 2 + 2 ?"
Logician: "Please define 2 + 2 more precisely."
Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully then asks "What do you want the answer to be?"

What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927plus or minus 0.000000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.

A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting together. They spy a deer in the woods.
The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.
"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and vanishes for good.
"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either." "What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of you, that was a perfect shot!"

How they knew it was a deer:
The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer.
The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem.
The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

Top 10 Reasons Why You Forgot Your Math's Homework

· I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
· Isaac Newton's birthday.
· I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
· I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
· I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
· I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
· I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
· I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
· I took time out to snack a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
· I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

Math's Tests - Getting Easier?

1960's Arithmetic test:
"A logger cuts and sells a truck load of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fiths of that amount.
What is his profit?"

70's New Math test:
"A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. The set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points.
What is the cardinality of set P of profits?"

80's education reform version:
"A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, and his profit is $20.
Find and circle the number 20."

90's version:
"An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 old growth trees in order to make a $20 profit.
Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way of making money.
Topic for discussion: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?"

Computer Technician

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!